Diary

March 4, 2003

Departure from the Ashram and Auroville

How can one quantify or qualify love? Unless we touch the soul in another being it is impossible. I have known the protective love of a mother, possessive love, the deep but mostly unvoiced love of a father, the familial love of brothers and a sister, the 'love' of friends, their warmth and goodwill, and their aspiration for my continued progress and my health. My life has been marked by love.

In the love of Mary Helen I knew selflessness and devotion to another and the soul's understanding of the need for progress, devotion and surrender. Her love filled my being on levels that are indescribable. And then, I have experienced Mother's Love, the love of the Divine for Her child, and with this love a sense of protection and grace that would never leave me. I have experienced, too, moments of Sri Aurobindo's love, calm and vast as space, filling the spirit with His sweetness and His force.

And I have felt something of Their love surge from the hearts and souls of Their children in endless moments during my days in the Ashram and Auroville. The day of my departure is an example.

In the morning I went to Sri Aurobindo's room and kneeling before Their Presence in the alcove, the psychic tears burst forth as they did on Feb.7^th, the one year anniversary of Mary Helen's departure. After this the day was one continuous movement of events and meetings that filled my being with gratitude. I said goodbye to Manoj who embraced me and I felt in that moment that perhaps only for a moment some of the tremendous weight was lifted from his shoulders and I glimpsed the friend and brother I have cherished all these years. Then I spent some time with Andreas discussing improvements for the ashram courtyard such as faucets located at strategic points so that hoses need not be dragged in areas where there was heavy foot traffic, pruning of the pomegranate trees, the large cactus, the Tabernaemontana and much more. Andreas then brought a special cactus for me to plant in the rock garden.

The afternoon was filled with meetings of beloved friends who came to see me. Amrit came from Auroville to give me a list of trees and plants in the Matrimandir Nursery and in the outer gardens, Chali came with the boys and we spent a wonderful hour together. They fed the fish at Golconde and now being in the 'hungry every hour stage', ate bread and butter and jam and cheese. They hugged me as hard as they could, their small, compact bodies seemingly glued to mine. I went to my room for a few minutes and Dominique came to say goodbye. I felt such a genuine goodness in her. During the first months of my stay I had said little to her as there was still the lingering sadness hanging over me from Mary Helen's departure. Yet, Dominique always greeted me with a smile and whenever she could help she was always willing with gracious goodwill. I found this to be the same with many Ashramites. My experience with Mahesh Sharma was very intense. It was he who asked Tehmiben if she would be willing to answer some questions I had about Savitri. He must have presented the case very well for she agreed after refusing Mary Helen and me in 2000, saying that she felt the Lexicon to be of no interest for her and basically not needed. Mahesh also loaned me his 1954 edition of Savitri so I could read from the same edition as Tehmi's. We met often in the kitchen of Golconde, greeting each other with a smile but rarely speaking. Once he asked me if I would meet with Sanjay who was at 'Knowledge' and doing the website, "Search For Light". He said that we have to encourage these young people in such good efforts. Mahesh also taught me some simple truths that one from the west might easily overlook. When I asked him about returning his copy of Savitri I asked if I could put it in his room or his box. Warmly but very clearly he said, "No, not in the shoe hole, one never puts books or food in there (as I have seen so many people do) but you can put it in my room". There must be something that goes far back in our relationship, more than just this birth, for the evening before I left he embraced me and kept caressing my cheek and again I felt Mother's love flow through one of Her children to such an extent that I still carry the experience of it with me today. It was, in fact, so special that I find myself recalling it often and as I do I feel the profound depth and beauty of his soul's blessing at my leave.

I have already written of Ashwin's visit and my last reading of Savitri with Tehmiben but I was to be surprised again and again by the friends who came to see me off. Gerard made the journey on his motorcycle and there was again some light of love in him that I had not previously seen, conveying his warmth and good wishes for me. We have known each other for many years (more than 35) but this last meeting I truly began to know him and his sincerity, his dedication to Mother and his love for me.

I had met him a few times during this trip, once when he had told Kabul that I had been here (in the Ashram) for some time and had not yet visited him. At Golconde one day he told me that Mother said to him in answer to his question about Auroville and the Ashram: "The Ashram will always be here for those who want to do the Integral Yoga and Auroville, well it is a huge (and Mother opened Her arms in a wide circle) experiment."

I return to America filled with gratitude to Mother and Sri Aurobindo.

Narad